One thing that keeps troubling me is that I can’t seem to make friends. It is a fact that erodes my life time after time. Well, I don’t know what is my life is better with a friend or without one. As far as I remembered, apart from dogs.., I have very few friends. Most of people I know sicken me
Made me wanted to throw up. A friend of mine thinks that seeing a psychologist might cure me. And of course I never did. It is a waste of my time, telling a stranger about my personal problems.
Maybe one problem I have is I don’t trust human, for I was fooled by so many times by my beloved mother and everyone I trusted. No more trust to anyone again.
Another fact that I am living alone is that I have a high sense of privacy, the world of my own. I enjoyed reading hours and hours without seeing others.
Plus standing at the present, I have greater responsibilities, which I have to rely on myself completely. Therefore, letting other stirring my consciousness is prohibited.
Moreover, I never allowed myself to fall in love, I am too rational to do such things. I often think, love, and judge with my head, and feel with my instinct. But nothing to do with my heart as I am ‘heartless’.
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The first days of my PhD Life
Today I went to see my supervisor, though I was afraid of speaking out stupid things. I did a lot. My supervisor managed to understand me.
It seemed so hard that it discouraged me- a small being… timid of my nothingness. How am I to survive??
I have a lot of questions, a lot of them remained unanswered though my supervisor showed me how things are done. And for all the things, I can’t afford to disappoint him, my family, or even myself.
But at least this is a good sign to get up and go on. At least I talked to him about my plan and got my courses done…
Tomorrow I have to review a proceeding of a student. I am no expert. Let alone the knowledgeable… I worked on the same topic as her, so I hope my advice can be of any help to the faculty.
Tomorrow, things to be done…things to read, things to write…things to think…
Life is mystery, but I will live my life with controls.
Wolf
Do you ever feel that sometime life is empty and there seems to be no interesting thing left in the world?
I often felt that my life is worthless and empty; as usually stated in the blog that I felt frustrated to live.
In some cases, boredom can kill, boredom of life triggered life aversion and in turn person can resort to self-destruction.
Someone I know keeps supplying me with inspiring articles, pictures, and quotes…
But to be honest, none of them works…these articles reminding me how precious my life is, I don’t care how sad other life can be, for I also have to bear the pain all alone. Even though I have everything, my life is not a smooth one at all.
I often felt that life is loveless; even though people keep telling me they love me (in a family or friend’s sense). I never fully believed them (forgive me) I apprehend the word ‘love’ so much that it makes me want to die. It is also the reason that I also loathe being touched by people.
Oh, the reason I think those articles are nonsense because I think everyone has his or her own agony. They follow their personalized fates. Some of them have physical problems, and must learn to live with it. Some of them mental, like me…No one know exactly how I suffered since I keep it hidden under placid face of mine.
The survival of the fittest, if a person is strong enough, he/she survives.
I used to be suicidal, often looking for equipment that would take my life or sit and stare aimlessly…my dog saved me a number of times by coming to sit nearby and gave me a paw. I have to take him to walk and play with him.
Sadly, he died of a kidney failure as a result of Pedigree scandal in 2002. I deeply missed him, now I am alone (really alone) finished my master degree and going on to do a PhD one. I am overseas thousands of miles from my family and friends.
The avoidance comes to me periodically, mostly when I am free or extremely fed up of something. I keep thinking that life is worthless, worthless, worthless…
All in all, life is about suffering something to a certain degree. There is life, there is agony.
“Do you like my new XYZ?”
“Oh, goodness, where did you get that? It’s soooooo fab….”
The rave goes on and on and on…
People lie for many different reasons. Mine is to make a life easier.
My roommate asked me if I go anywhere on Monday and Tuesday.
“To library, as usual”
But I’m not at the lib at the time/place. I was somewhere else.
I lied to her countless times. In order to satisfy her curiosity of my life
affairs.
What time will you come back ?
at ten, but I will appear at home around 8, when she saw me, we said nothing.
I really miss you, where are you coming back? we gonna held a meeting. My friend
mentioned in my another social website.
I know she want a gift from Faraway Land, not seeing me. For me, I am only a carrier
of something…
You look very healthy, I hope you are stronger to come to my Grad.
I know my grand is ailing, fatally. I just said it to lessen her worry.
I know she is not gonna make it.
Where are you going today? Mum asked.
To supermarket, (and bank, other retailers, all over the city, sorry but you should not
know that mum).
People often come to me in an eager fit to expose something they think I should do or
try, eat, go, read, ride, etc…. I listen with such eagerness, added with more interest to
satisfy their needs. I kept smiling and looking straight even though I wish I would
rather be somewhere else.
Beneath my friendly disposition, I wish I would not run into them at first place. I wish
they would go away, I wish there’s a something make them quiet…I wish…
I don’t want people to be nosy in my affairs: knowing every facet of my life, someone special?? when am I going to finish study?
When am I going to marry? have children?
Excusez-moi, I have a lonewolf syndrome, the condition get worse when I have to integrate with people.
I am cursed to be alone, locked in my world…reading journals and writing thesis.
Then, having any children or partner is out of question, I am strong enough to live alone, I have done it for almost 30 years, There
is no problem that I will continue at all.
This is when a lie is beneficial to me, deflecting the truth and not hurting someone’s feeling.
I often lied. I lied to the point that my life is nothing but a LIE.
Sometimes, I tell people what they like to hear, not what’s actually going on. People like to hear something sweet, so my job is to supply that sugar-coated lies.
I know lying is terrible.. but I believed everyone does, at least as a survival mechanism.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: insomnia, nightfall, nosleep, sleepingpills
The pattern of my sleep has changed recently, starting from early morning, and getting drowsy by dusk, dozed off and got up somewhere in the evening. Then I read, talked to mom, and took a shower and , voila! time for bed.
I got into bed, lying still…watching the dark ceiling…nothing happens, no drowsiness, no yawn, but fully awaken.
I reached for my faithful or fateful classic black Ipod [it shared my sad, bad and ugly time] and plugged into my ears, music slowly flew into my ears-the voice is usual, the tempo depends on the song-I was listening to Richard Marx.
1 song 2 songs 3 songs….6 songs, no sign of wanting to sleep. I began to glimpse at the illuminous windows…dead silent, nothing at all
no living awakes, all were in bed, sleeping, and perhaps lost in their dreams.
Poor me, I was cursed-kept awake at the dead of the night. Home alone. Still having the finish the big project of mine in this or next week…
If chance allows me, I will go to see a G.P. and get some sleeping pills to doze me at night, something as Humbert Humbert from Lolita mentioned to his GP
that can knock a cow, it was torturing not being able to sleep at the right time.
Yesterday was very weird, I was helping my friend out in his experiment, trying to finish the evil assignments I put off many weeks ago, go shopping, washing clothes
It sounds like just an ordinary saturday. I was reading papers, and drinking coke. Then…
I started to shake by the coldness only I could feel. I went to bed and turned on electric blanket and buried myself in duvet.
Nothing helped, I was still cold, shaking violently…
15 minutes later, I can’t take it anymore. I tiptoed out of my room fully clothed with winter wears. My flatmate is flabbergasted and asked ‘are you ok?’
‘I think I have fever’ shaken and trembling violently.
She fetched me a glass of water, I was looking around for a paracetamol and found that only 4 tablets left.
‘Good,’ I thought and swallowed it down the throat which was fiery hot.
I went to take a brief bath, or so. Then before going to bed I asked her to call ambulance for me in case of high fever and a fit.
Then I went to bed and reading until I dozed off…
Next morning, I felt refreshed with no sign of fever at all.
Such a weird person I am, I was violently sick and bounce back lightning fast. But I hope this is the last time I catch a cold, have fever, and tremble. I don’t want to do it when I was studying full-time. Not-only it upsets me but also my supervisor.
After reading the first chapter of In Cold Blood, I felt very scared–Truman Capote has done a splendid work on describing a spine-chilling crime scene. Take for example
Kenyon was over in a corner, lying on a couch. He was gagged with adhesive tape, and bound hand and foot, like the mother—the same intricate process of the cord leading from the hands to the feet, and finally tied to an arm of the couch. Somehow, he haunts me the most, Kenyon does. I think it’s because he was the most recognizable, the one that looked the most like himself—even though he’d been shot in the face, directly, head on. He was wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans, and he was barefoot—as though he’d dressed in a hurry, just put on the first thing that came to hand. His head was propped by a couple of pillows, like they’d been stuffed under him to make an easier target.
This sentence freaks me out because the picture of his face was so clear in my head. I kept on reading and stopped when I wanted to go to toilet.
Walking out in the dark, I dare not looking at the couch at the end of the room. How haunting the experience was.
Next morning I was woken up by a strange sound of someone working laboriously in the bathroom. I got up and looked, only to find my flatmate and the flood in the bathroom. I was shocked and confused, but managed to keep calm.
Water slowly went down the pipe, at ten, I went to a supermarket to buy a mop’s sponge and squeegee plus other necessary objects for cleaning up the mess.
Coming back home, I took the wet carpet out to dry and started to clean the mess. A friend told me that it happens when it rains heavily or when the drain is clogged. I followed her instruction and pump the pipe until I made sure that no nasty surprise gonna wake me up again.
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Why are you coming to XYZ? I think you’re really smart.
Such question is really really piercing. I don’t know how to react to such compliment.
No…thank you, you’re such a nice person giving me this comment.
Well I am a postgraduate with an interim downtime, I can’t enroll in time
and my fate brought me here. It was kind of unexplainable good or bad.
Sometimes I am bored to death, the other time I was high. But it’s certainly not forever…
Sitting in the class, faint rock music was coming from somewhere. People talking
I can’t stand the situation, but then
[a song from Linkin Park blast] from someone’s mobile, Goodness sake!
I thought and watch the owner pitifully squeezed himself past the crowd to answer it.
“Go to hell” I added a blessing for him.
Later an assessment to do in a group of three.
Not a soul I know present, a dark girl grinned at me as if wanting to eat me.
“We’re making a group!”
“yeah, whatsoever” I thought, with a lamentation over my fate.
The other two were passive and wanted to leave the job for me.
“f— you” I thought to myself as I finalised the task with one member.
Then the teacher came over and told that many assessments are still missing, I was thinking whom they might be. Then he told us off to go home.
A total disgust seeping all over me, I look in disgust at him–how can people [so highly educated] have such manner and teach how to communicate?
I am not stupid, I am a prospective doctorate candidate with a long history in postgraduate level. I can understand very clearly with precision but please be polite and courteous. Otherwise you will receive the same treatment.
Sorry but you’ve shown that you are nothing but a fool
This afternoon, I went into the city and have an eye’s test which is pretty good,
Then I browsed around for a spectacle. I fell in love with
Then I asked for tinted lenses, but the keeper took it as a thin lenses, I don’t know until I went out and have some strange feeling and have to run back to clarify it, then I found it better to not have tinted lenses. So I bought 3 months supply of contact lenses, a glasses today.
The keeper told me I am +1.00 more than I used to. Such a big jump from -1.75 to -2.75 in lenses.
When I walked out on the street, everything is so clear and sharp.
“should have done it long time ago,” thinking to myself
