Do you ever feel that sometime life is empty and there seems to be no interesting thing left in the world?
I often felt that my life is worthless and empty; as usually stated in the blog that I felt frustrated to live.
In some cases, boredom can kill, boredom of life triggered life aversion and in turn person can resort to self-destruction.
Someone I know keeps supplying me with inspiring articles, pictures, and quotes…
But to be honest, none of them works…these articles reminding me how precious my life is, I don’t care how sad other life can be, for I also have to bear the pain all alone. Even though I have everything, my life is not a smooth one at all.
I often felt that life is loveless; even though people keep telling me they love me (in a family or friend’s sense). I never fully believed them (forgive me) I apprehend the word ‘love’ so much that it makes me want to die. It is also the reason that I also loathe being touched by people.
Oh, the reason I think those articles are nonsense because I think everyone has his or her own agony. They follow their personalized fates. Some of them have physical problems, and must learn to live with it. Some of them mental, like me…No one know exactly how I suffered since I keep it hidden under placid face of mine.
The survival of the fittest, if a person is strong enough, he/she survives.
I used to be suicidal, often looking for equipment that would take my life or sit and stare aimlessly…my dog saved me a number of times by coming to sit nearby and gave me a paw. I have to take him to walk and play with him.
Sadly, he died of a kidney failure as a result of Pedigree scandal in 2002. I deeply missed him, now I am alone (really alone) finished my master degree and going on to do a PhD one. I am overseas thousands of miles from my family and friends.
The avoidance comes to me periodically, mostly when I am free or extremely fed up of something. I keep thinking that life is worthless, worthless, worthless…
All in all, life is about suffering something to a certain degree. There is life, there is agony.
“Do you like my new XYZ?”
“Oh, goodness, where did you get that? It’s soooooo fab….”
The rave goes on and on and on…
People lie for many different reasons. Mine is to make a life easier.
My roommate asked me if I go anywhere on Monday and Tuesday.
“To library, as usual”
But I’m not at the lib at the time/place. I was somewhere else.
I lied to her countless times. In order to satisfy her curiosity of my life
affairs.
What time will you come back ?
at ten, but I will appear at home around 8, when she saw me, we said nothing.
I really miss you, where are you coming back? we gonna held a meeting. My friend
mentioned in my another social website.
I know she want a gift from Faraway Land, not seeing me. For me, I am only a carrier
of something…
You look very healthy, I hope you are stronger to come to my Grad.
I know my grand is ailing, fatally. I just said it to lessen her worry.
I know she is not gonna make it.
Where are you going today? Mum asked.
To supermarket, (and bank, other retailers, all over the city, sorry but you should not
know that mum).
People often come to me in an eager fit to expose something they think I should do or
try, eat, go, read, ride, etc…. I listen with such eagerness, added with more interest to
satisfy their needs. I kept smiling and looking straight even though I wish I would
rather be somewhere else.
Beneath my friendly disposition, I wish I would not run into them at first place. I wish
they would go away, I wish there’s a something make them quiet…I wish…
I don’t want people to be nosy in my affairs: knowing every facet of my life, someone special?? when am I going to finish study?
When am I going to marry? have children?
Excusez-moi, I have a lonewolf syndrome, the condition get worse when I have to integrate with people.
I am cursed to be alone, locked in my world…reading journals and writing thesis.
Then, having any children or partner is out of question, I am strong enough to live alone, I have done it for almost 30 years, There
is no problem that I will continue at all.
This is when a lie is beneficial to me, deflecting the truth and not hurting someone’s feeling.
I often lied. I lied to the point that my life is nothing but a LIE.
Sometimes, I tell people what they like to hear, not what’s actually going on. People like to hear something sweet, so my job is to supply that sugar-coated lies.
I know lying is terrible.. but I believed everyone does, at least as a survival mechanism.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: insomnia, nightfall, nosleep, sleepingpills
The pattern of my sleep has changed recently, starting from early morning, and getting drowsy by dusk, dozed off and got up somewhere in the evening. Then I read, talked to mom, and took a shower and , voila! time for bed.
I got into bed, lying still…watching the dark ceiling…nothing happens, no drowsiness, no yawn, but fully awaken.
I reached for my faithful or fateful classic black Ipod [it shared my sad, bad and ugly time] and plugged into my ears, music slowly flew into my ears-the voice is usual, the tempo depends on the song-I was listening to Richard Marx.
1 song 2 songs 3 songs….6 songs, no sign of wanting to sleep. I began to glimpse at the illuminous windows…dead silent, nothing at all
no living awakes, all were in bed, sleeping, and perhaps lost in their dreams.
Poor me, I was cursed-kept awake at the dead of the night. Home alone. Still having the finish the big project of mine in this or next week…
If chance allows me, I will go to see a G.P. and get some sleeping pills to doze me at night, something as Humbert Humbert from Lolita mentioned to his GP
that can knock a cow, it was torturing not being able to sleep at the right time.
